the would-be juror.

"you have been summoned to serve as a trial juror. such service is both a privilege and a duty and, when conscientiously performed, is a mark of good citizenship. although jury service may cause you financial loss, personal inconvenience or hardship, the opportunity to participate in our justice system should be a rewarding experience."
— pearls of wisdom generated by my local government

after a few summonses (yes, that's the plural form), a couple postponements and some missed call-in dates due to ambiguous governmental directions (shocking as that sounds), i was strongly urged by the court to actual report in for jury duty or risk a $1,500 fine. and because i (honestly) misinterpreted the instructions last time around i was no longer eligible to call-in; i had to have a little confab at the courthouse in person. i could have totally blown it off, but i didn't feel like subtracting any karmic bonus points i may have left.

i arrived promptly at 8:15 this morning. luckily, i was pulled from the rather lengthy security line by a johnny cochran-esque clad gentlemen in an ill-fitting purple suit who made it clear that his name was not "lero-y," but "lero-l." he even had his very own cross-stitch displayed in the jury room that said "it's not leroy. it's lerol!" (someone went all out on christmas). after going through the now much shorter line for those with a summons, i entered the jury room.

first off, the room smelled like one huge fat person. you know how fat people smell? it smelled like that, plus butt. it was totally sick. and the smell was compounded by this cross-section of humanity - all 160 of us crammed into this little portable trailer. according to lerol, this was a step up from where the jury room used to be. he also mentioned that the restrooms were the "best in the building." a saleable fact to be sure. luckily, i positioned myself near the anti-butt-smell air conditioning, so i was safe.

the jury room is sort of like an airport — you have a completely mixed bag of people ready to be somewhere else and you're surrounded by institutional furnishings made expressly for your discomfort. there were lots of white hairs, lots of white trash, some young kids too responsible to throw away a summons like i usually did until this year (i am growing up!), fat people, skinny people, weird people, conservative people. i suppose it was truly representative of our little community.

we watched a rather wearisome video about how we all should be supercharged because we're prospective jurors and we're doing our civic duty - blah blah blah. put brad pitt in the video and you got me. have the presiding judge of the superior court read information to us and you've already got me snoozing.

lerol then went on to explain the process. i have to give him props — he did a great job. he explained every detail, down to the fact that our jury duty pays $15 a day today, not $5 a day like before! woo-hoo! he told us he used to work for the post office, so i'm sure that's where he got all those interpersonal skills down.

i kept my nose in my book the entire time, only peeping up a couple times when the lady next to me started snoring, the woman on my other side started picking her nails incessantly and the old woman across the way turned on oprah.

at about 3:45, the new jury person in charge (lerol's lackey), came out with a wireless mic (state-of-the-art!) to tell us that about half of us would have to stay on until 5:00 to see if the court needed to select jurors. in our county, we have a one-day or one-trial service, meaning if you are not selected after one day (or if you have served on one trial), your service is complete for 12 months (that seems like an awfully short time after today).

the lackey asked for volunteers first. five people actually raised their hands (i was utterly puzzled). he said it had to be all volunteers or no volunteers. since 55 other people weren't ready to extend themselves, he said he had to volunteer us the old fashioned way — by force. so he said he was going to start calling names. if your name wasn't called, you were staying on and coming back tomorrow. curses!

palms were getting sweaty. my heart started racing. i can't be away from my siesta cure for another day. i'm working on shit here! so he is about to start calling names when he says, "just kidding. you're all excused." i guess that is "jury person humor."

all 160 of us crammed the exit doors and walked to our cars without any cool whatsoever. we were out of the fat-butt room! and we didn't have to face any convicts — or worse — lawyers!

unfortunately, my service is complete for another year. but luckily according to lerol, i'll probably get summoned again in the next year since our county apparently has the worst database ever. the system just keeps spitting out summonses to those who have already served. now if that isn't efficient use of our tax dollars, i don't know what is!

at least i can rest tonight knowing that i have the mark of good citizenship if nothing else.