the cliché circus.

had my first job interview since 1998 last week*. i knew that i was way overqualified for the position, but i felt compelled to go because i need work. i'm not a touchy-feely person that believes what i do really impacts the world all that much. i mean, it's marketing and advertising, folks — it's not curing cancer. i know that. i own that and i move forward with the full realization that i may never ever do much that really matters in a profound sense.

but what i can't handle are clichés and theater people and this place was full of both.

i anticipated a long drive, but i arrived 40 minutes early in my interview best (though i was tempted to wear this to get the sympathy vote) and proceeded to fidget in my car, reread the resume i sent them (i have about 10 versions). i entered the building and upon viewing the security guard and sign-in sheet, i was immediately transported back to "the office days" when i first started my professional career. after working for myself for all this time, mostly in sweats, this sight makes me twinge and i try to get over it. and even though i really don't even want this job, i was nervous and think the office is on a totally different floor so i went up and down in the elevator twice.

i walked into the microsuite and there's no receptionist, just a vivid green room and one red officey chair. it was up against the wall. with nothing else. i peeked around and was greeted by a very warm face who told me that the head cheese would see me now.

i wasn't quite sure where to sit on the black "modern" curvy couch c. 1994. should i sit in the s-bend? i decided on the end is good, but felt weird that my briefcase was right behind me. bad, bad interview furniture.

the first cliché addressed was something to the effect of "what kind of creative inspires me to purchase?"

inspires? what inspires me? to purchase? um. well. uhhhh.

"not advertising."

"what's on sale."

"impulse."

are those bad answers? i decided that yes, those aren't great answers (though in retrospect, i should have just said what i thought), so i blubbered on about what doesn't inspire me giving examples of some local boards that are just well — bad.

based on my business experience, i know that biz dev is key, especially for a small agency. so i asked what they do to generate business. "lots," says he. "in fact we have a quarter of our staff's time devoted to it."

the end. no examples. no specifics. not "direct." not "referrals." not "prospecting this a'way or that a'way." nada. ok. second cliché: creative and bad business person. what a surprise!

i suppose he felt the need to expound because he was rambling on to the point where my mind drifted and the worst part? we're like five minutes into the meeting. now, i'm not a drifter. i am focused. i am interested in pretty much everything — especially at a meeting that involves a ceo-type person. (oh and ps: instead of using chief "executive" officer, he uses chief "experience" officer, which completely reminds me of this. the title is so infuriatingly dense — and it's common, too! just execute a search. i am thinking of changing my title to "senior visionary experience lead.™.")

when i asked about their growth strategy, he told me about this "special proprietary tool" that is going to propel the agency forward. now, this is my favorite part of the meeting. i'm listening now. i'm engaged. i'm riveted, if i may. this tool allows clients, or the agency, to change the company's brand?! right off the shelf? he's even called it something: a "brand metamorphosis tool." so basically what he says is that this tool can be taken in-house and magically the brand changes. just what we need: another ad agency's trademarked process/tool/philosophy. check! third cliché.

it's like this: say what you do. don't pretend it's something else. don't slap a ™ or a ® or a © on some lameass tool. he then explains that he's had scientists up on a stage reciting shakespeare actually "migrating the brand." he calls it "a theater experience."

at this point, i was hysterical inside. i asked for more details. "a theater experience, you say? do tell." he went on to tell me that he's got a degree in theater (or would it be theatre?) and that he feels this job is just an extension of what he had done in his past life as a director. fourth cliché: that whole thing was just so la. of course you've been in entertainment before.

it was about now that i was frantically trying to memorize all of this so i could write about it here.

so then we moved on to several personal questions that he prefaced with: "you don't have to answer these." i later checked and he actually isn't even supposed to ask them. but this is advertising. land of the inappropriate workplace!

1. are you married?
2. is that your married name?
3. what languages do you speak (that's ok)? "do you speak those languages because it's a mixture of your heritage?"
4. "oh. so are you second generation?"

i was waiting for him to ask me about my religious preferences and my favorite positions.

what was worse than this laughable interview was that it all could've been avoided by using my intuition. once again, i foiled myself. i can't remember who said that we are the only animals that ignore our intuition. but whoever they were, they were damned right. i'll say it. there were a lot of red flags just from the emails and i knew it. but like i said, i need work.

in the hour spent there, i knew no more about the company than when i went in. i got one client name, saw none of their creative and didn't find out anything about their processes or the specifics of the job.

the experience guy needs to find a new title because my experience there was terrible. we ended it with "send me your references and we'll have our account person follow-up."

haven't heard back. i am not heartbroken. this fledgling agency was a caricature of everything i hate about my industry. cheesy people who speak in terms that must have been generated by this, take themselves way too seriously, don't have good business sense and totally lack character.

oh well, as they say rome wasn't built in a day, so i'll just keep on looking.

*names and key facts have been changed to protect the innocent.