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what am i feeling?
dad is doing ok. he is still not awake* (or "he is still in a coma on life support"), but we had a good day today. he opened his eyes and really seemed to be there. it's a hard thing to describe. i've only seen his eyes open three times in the past 11 days i've been at the hospital. the two other times were sort of robotic in a sense. like his eyes were open, but he wasn't really focused or seeing anything. and no blinking. it's really odd. today, he opened his eyes as my sister and his good friend were staring down at him. as my sister and i spoke, he moved his eyes toward us. real movement! and he blinked! then his eyes began to tear, his face turned red and his blood pressure began to rise. he looked into my eyes and i felt him hurting to see me hurting. it was an extraordinarily powerful moment. i began to cry and turned away because i didn't want him to see me crying. i wept for a little bit then went back to him. he opened his eyes for a bit longer, moved his hand, his fingers and then finally, went to sleep.
i went back to the private waiting room at the hospital, called my husband and sobbed. i'm not sure what i'm feeling. i am joyful. i am so happy. but there is also sadness. i'm trying to take all of this in and i just don't know how to work it out.
i've been in the strange city more than a thousand miles away from home, now in a long-term apartment and it all seemed like it hit me today. the realization that dad may never be the same. may never laugh again (his injury is in the brain's "humor" section). may never be able to hug me. may never be able to read.
and we're leafing through this information on rehab centers. for my dad. for my dad who was supposed to retire. enjoy life. grow old with his grandchildren. all that sappy shit. and while we don't know for certain what will happen, what we do know is that dad, our family and i are forever changed by this accident. i guess this is called shock or something. if anyone has any reference material that can help me cope with the enormity of the situation, i'd be forever grateful.
i have so many good stories to share with you when i can. stories about the kindness of strangers, the human spirit, the love of family and the character of my father. he has dimensions i never knew about. i promise i will write about these things soon.
* why do medical people need to use euphemisms?
August 22, 2004 in caregiving. | Permalink
Comments
Hey, you are being so strong, it's incredible. It's not unusual for things like this to sink in later. I would definitely recommend looking into groups that they have at the hospital. I think it's called hospice. I know they have sessions regarding deaths of loved ones, so I am sure they have something that would help you in your situation. It is worth looking into. I am so sorry for your family. I know it's got to be so tough.
Posted by: Trudy | Aug 22, 2004 2:39:08 PM
I can relate on some level with what you are going through. My dad had a couple really scary accidents (Michigan snow, black ice, small car, and a tree) when I was younger, and I know the roller coaster you are on. I'm crying with you as I read today's entry. I feel for you and hold out much hope for your dad, you, and your family. It is the "sappy shit" that makes up life to some degree, so it's easy to find that makes you wonder and fear and mourn some. But I have hope for you. I was really, very lucky that my dad came out of his accident not so changed and a little more wary. I'm wishing the best for you all.
I think Trudy is right about starting at the hospital for resource points on who you can talk to. I think you're on a healthy path by wanting to talk this out with someone. Because lord knows it will be hard. Take care of you, sob, vent, speak speak speak for as long as you need. Please take care!
Posted by: Giao | Aug 22, 2004 4:47:06 PM
