mipmup.

litmus test.

did anyone else cry while watching wife sw*p tonight? anyone catch the utterly inane laguna beach and think about watching the whole thing? no? maybe it was just a positive litmus test for pms. or maybe it was the fact that my dad argued with me that i was not (not) his daughter today. twice.

stop force feeding.

take a moment to check out this site, which showcases how foie gras is really made. as you will see from the pictures, the methods to produce this "gastronomic delight" are quite a gruesome and barbaric. if you have two minutes, please write to governor schwarzenegger and urge him to support sb 1520, legislation which prohibits force-feeding a bird for the purpose of enlarging the bird's liver beyond its normal size and also prohibits the sale of products made using this method. you do not have to be a resident of california to write to the guv. here is a useful guide to letter-writing that might help you. the guvinator is set to decide on this by the end of this month, so time is short! interesting to note that his native austria has already banned production under anti-cruelty laws. thanks for your support.

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update: signed!

the view outside my window.

as i'm talking to family and friends and reading my favorite blogs, i'm having a hard time understanding how  malaise, lack of funding for a project, too much work, too little work, arguments with family, what to wear and how to wear it and how hot i look or do not look really matters all that much. i try to empathize. i try not to be dismissive. but i'm really having a rough time.

i suppose that it's a good thing for me, because, if you've been reading my blog for any length of time, you'll know that i have done my share of complaining about the minutiae of every day. throughout my dad's illness, i've grown up. i've realized that my feelings of inadequacy, my uncertainty about what my life should be/could be, my lack of self-confidence, my pessimistic attitude, has been a big fat waste of time.

when i heard my dad was in the hospital in kansas and a chaplain was going to meet me, i thought the worst. immediately, i prepared myself for the likely possibility that he was going to die. maybe even before i got there. the flight seemed to last much longer than the four or so hours it took. looking at the other passengers, i envied them. i wanted to be a faceless businessperson going back home. i wanted so badly to be a college student going to school at wsu. i wanted to be anyone but me. facing this trip alone (at my - really dumb - request), i wanted to curl up and catapult myself out the emergency exit. to say it was surreal would be an understatement.

when i arrived at around 11 p.m., i urged the taxi driver to hurry-up. he was taking a sunday drive, going 50 on the freeway. i confidently walked into the empty, quiet hospital. i joked with a fellow visitor as i asked the emergency room check-out clerk to page the chaplain for me. she never came, so i walked until i found the icu. riding up the elevator, i took deep breaths to steady myself. but oddly, i felt calm at this point.

when i walked into my dad's room, nothing could have prepared me for what i saw. i wasn't even sure it was my dad. he was swollen up to what seemed to be twice his normal size. and it wasn't just his body. it was his head, his fingers, his neck, his legs. his eyes were dark purple. he had staples on both sides of his head from lacerations he suffered. he had a bolt sticking out from the top of his head to measure cerebral perfusion pressure. he was on a respirator. he had iv's. feeding tube. the bottom part of his face was covered. his eyes were swollen up and i couldn't see any definition between the eyebrow bone and the lower lid. he was in a coma and on life support.

immediately, despite my deep breathing, i burst into tears. sarah, the nurse, hugged me and i sunk into her warm, cushy body and sobbed. once i got myself together a little, katie, his nurse, told me what this measured and what that measured. nothing was sinking in, but i just nodded trying to be brave. i stayed there until the early morning, not wanting to leave and wanting to leave. the reality just hadn't sunk in.

as the days progressed, my family and my husband, arrived and it all became a bit easier to bear. the first week was probably the scariest, but dad began to pull through. he turned a corner.

and then, i could see his face because he got a tracheostomy. and then, one day, he opened his eyes and was recovering from a coma. and then, one day he started talking in a raspy, breathy voice. and then, one day, he sat up. and then, one day, he was helped out of bed and into a chair. and then, one day, he said my name for the first time. and then, one day, he pulled out his trach, his peg tube, his picc line and was breathing on his own and was able to eat "real" food. and then, one day, we flew on a plane and came home to california.

and then, one day, in his confused recovery state, he said, "everything that's happened has happened for a reason."

a friend commented on my positive attitude yesterday. that's never happened before in my life. but as i said to her, how could i be anything but? i've been given a gift. i've not only still have my father, but i've changed in so many ways for the better.

i know that the minutiae of every day is overwhelming at times. and it still is for me, too. but the view outside my window is looking so much better than it was that i can't help but agree with dad that everything happens for a reason. no matter how awful or how trivial. and that, has been one of the most important lessons i have learned in my life.

back.

i'm finally back in california and it feels great. this is the place where i can get a tofu burrito for chrissakes. this is my hood.

my dad continues to improve each day, though we don't know if his brain will recover fully. it's scary, but we are thankful that he survived. he's talking about 1971 a lot and we're trying to get him to 2k4, but things happen slowly. i was ecstatic to see him feeding himself with a spoon and drinking from a cup this week. i thought i may never see that again. this experience has certainly taught me to appreciate the "little things." in fact, i've been able to cross a few items off of my list (thanks to jen for pointing that out). it's funny that it took something this dramatic to get me toward my goals.

thanks to all for the words of support, love and encouragement. they really mean everything to me. this experience has been lonely yet connected at the same time. it's hard to explain until you go through something like this. suffice to say that your words have uplifted me. you made me feel like we were playing that game where each person puts two fingers under you and then they lift you up light as a feather, stiff as a board (thanks, giao!). what was that called? it had some kind of mystical appeal when i was 10 that i haven't quite gotten over.

well, thanks again for everything. you all totally rock.

classes for men.

classes for men

note: due to the complexity and difficulty level of the contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each.

topic 1: how to fill up the ice cube trays.
-- step by step, with slide presentation.

topic 2: the toilet paper roll. does it change itself?
-- round table discussion.

topic 3: is it possible to urinate using the technique of lifting the seat and avoiding the floor/walls/nearby bathtub?
-- group practice.

topic 4: fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor.
-- pictures/explanatory graphics.

topic 5: after dinner dishes. can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink?
-- examples on video.

topic 6: loss of identity - losing the remote to your significant other.
-- help line support and support groups.

topic 7: learning how to find things - starting with looking in the right places instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
-- open forum.

topic 8: health watch - bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. -- graphics and audio tapes.

topic 9: real men ask for directions when lost.
--real life testimonials.

topic 10: is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she parallel parks?
-- driving simulations

topic 11: learning to live - basic differences between mother and wife.
-- online classes and role-playing.

topic 12: how to be the ideal shopping companion.
-- relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

topic 13: how to fight cerebral atrophy - remembering birthdays, anniversaries and other important dates and
calling when you're going to be late.
-- cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

topic 14: the stove/oven - what it is and how it is
used.
-- live demonstration.

received via email. author unknown.

are you leaving me?

ok, i know i haven't been that attentive to my blog lately, but gimme a break. first, my stats went down for the first time since i started my blog. then someone took me off of their favorites list. gosh. that seems kinda fickle, but then again, i've been residing in the happy-happy-friendly midwest, so i'm going to look at it as a fluke because it's labor day weekend (link provided for my international friends). that's just the kind of person i've become.

i've come to the conclusion that if i relocated here i must open a produce stand. basil and flat-leaf parsley just shouldn't be that hard to find. this is america for chrissakes. i would also buy stock in what seems to be the only "health food" store in town; they charge an arm and a leg and for that, i salute them.

i was able to find my beloved sambal olek at a (the?) asian market down the street, thank god. i can't live without that stuff. i think the asian store owners got a kick out of the round eye buying it.

it looks like i'll be heading west on tuesday. i say "looks like" because i've learned that nothing with insurance companies is certain. my dad has stabilized and for that, i'm so grateful. i'm surprised at all the emotions i've gone through during the last three and a half weeks. i will go into that at a later date when i can concentrate for more than five minutes at a time.

have a safe weekend and wear a helmet if you happen to find yourself on a motorcycle.